Happy Halloween all!

Self portrait in ink.

“The Boat of Childhood”

Alrighty! This is the best photo I have of this piece and it is finished, because it sold. Yay for art going to better homes as apposed to staying in my closet.

This is a drawing of black and white charcoal on paper with ink wash. Had a photo reference for the figure.

This is about me as a teenager, watching my idealized idea of what my childhood was float by. I intentionally used the cross on the mast of the little boat, coming from a very christian family who was also very judgmental and abusive. Their ideas of happiness, hope, and godliness are represented in the boat, a boat too small for the figure to travel in. The water continues to rise, the figure rooted to the soil refuses to even try to leave. The tears they cry are resentful and bitter, and they can no longer breathe from their own tears. However they could raise their head, sit up straight, and breathe a bit longer. They chose not too.

“The heart of darkness”

I read a great quote that said “all colors live in the heart of darkness” and thinking about that, I came up with this piece. Its small, about 7 inches by 5 inches. Oil paint on sealed paper.

Within each and every person’s darkness, are the most vibrant parts of ourselves struggling to get out.

“Transformations”

Charcoal, sumi ink, acrylic medium, and oil paint on paper.

This piece has sold, it lives in a new home with many other lovely art pieces! Yay!

“when I heard what happened to you”

When I heard, I felt like my head burst into a comet of cold flame, my grief was so immense. Your innocence and joy lay in my hands like a dead fledgling, already cold and stiff. I never had the strength to protect you or hold you as you deserved. Your hope fled, and selfishly, I became overwhelmed with my loneliness.

Charcoal, ink, acrylic medium and oil paint on paper.

“Butterflies”

Charcoal, ink, acrylic medium, and oil paint on paper.

You all have been drawn on long enough, here is a finished piece! The process of pulling out and expressing grief may be painful, but the thing that can harm when it is within us will feed beautiful things when it is expressed and shared. It’s been really hard for me to learn how to be vulnerable and express grief, sadness, frustration, despair and other “dark” emotions around other people. The hardest thing was to learn how to be honest with those emotions, and not put out a show about it. No acting, just feeling and expressing, adapting to what others needed within that. In finding ways to be with other people while being in grief gave me a way to express myself, and my expressions let others know that it is ok to be vulnerable.

The thing that is slowly killing me inside, when brought out, nourished my friendships and art.

“True Nature”

charcoal, ink, acrylic medium and oil on paper.

By the time I was five I felt that I was different than humanity, that to live I had to hide who I truly was. I watched people closely in order to mimic their emotions and reactions, since I did not have many of my own. The strongest fear I had was being found out and cast out. This is a finished painting of a young me with the true nature exposed.

As an adult I know now that the only way that people will truly accept me is if I be myself, and the thing I was hiding, is really a beautiful part of me that I’m now appreciated for.

“Self Portrait”

charcoal, ink, acrylic medium, oil paint on paper, which is on masonite.

So, funny story, this is me just playing around to get a style down (I got it!) and I actually really like how this turned out. Simple idea, just threw it together, probably took me 4-5 hours. Well, not counting the time for matte medium to dry.

Ever since I was a child I’ve found my identity in plants. Somehow they were like me, rooted to a place, not willing to leave even if they could, and when harm came, there was very little personal defense mechanisms.  However, like the plants, I did not resist this, but accepted it. Thought it was just who I am to take whatever was dished out.